Is this a good opening for chapter 1
Benjamin Alexander Middleton died before he was born and is understandably
annoyed about it.That’s what it said on my memorial plaque.l leaned in
closer and watched my breath steam up the brass, obscuring the lettering.l
wasn’t annoyed, l was monumentally pissed off, but apparently that’s
not appropriate language for a plaque.It would lower the tone.Frowning, l
used the sleeve of my jacket to smear away the fingerprints. l certainly wasn’t going to clean any of the others.The whole wall was covered in them.There were hundreds, all identically sized and spaced with clinical precision.The one to the left of mine simply read ‘Dave’.Well at least Dave and l were lucky enough to get placed at eye-level, the majority were too high up to ever be read which surely defeated the point. l turned around and surveyed the rest of the glass house.It really was a brilliant building.As soon as you walk in, through a door in “death-plaque wall”, you find yourself at the top of a red marble staircase which cascades down in either direction.A lattice of wrought iron held the domed glass ceiling in place and stretched down to ground-level to comprise the three remaining walls. The pool was impressively large, stretching almost the full length, and the grand centre piece was an intimidating statue of Titan with water crashing from his trident.He had a green tinge to his beard from all the algae which made him look slightly eccentric.l wasn’t so keen on him but l liked the life-size stone women that were incorporated into the banister.That was art l could appreciate. There were seven on the left staircase and seven on the right and each was unique.The toes of the one above were buried in the hair of the one below and if you looked carefully enough there was a name engraved in flowing script on each.l descended the stairs, carelessly trailing my fingertips down Susie’s cool marble leg. She didn’t protest. The bottom of the pool was littered with strangely shaped coins that were no longer in circulation.l took out a coin of my own and threw it.My aim was outstandingly brilliant.It ricocheted off Titan’s nose and plopped in to the water somewhere on the far side.l looked around even though l knew there was no one there to have witnessed it.My rendezvous was late.Brian felt certain she would turn up here, even though it was an unusual starting destination, so l was sent to deal with her. l sat down on the edge of the pool with my back to Titan.It would have been nice for a day off for a change.Straightening my suit l sighed dramatically.l would just have to settle for a brief sit down and a cigarette.Smoking was seen as a gentleman’s pastime among the deceased and departed.Cancer was just a word like any other.It was all about image and afterall l was a sucker for that.
Stylistically, it is great. Far better than most of the stuff
I've seen posted on here, which generally tends to be either a
Twilight-replica, some high-school rambling, & packed with
spelling/grammar mistakes.
I love how you've controlled the information; you haven't given all of the
plot away at once & that is what makes it intriguing, & that is what will make the readers read on. It is not the genre I'd usually read but I am sure there is a market out there that would be delighted to have this novel. The first line was a good example of how to hook an audience in; it is something that I as a writer struggle with as I never know how to make it interesting enough & often veer towards being overly verbose/descriptive. It definitely made me want to read on. 'As soon as you walk in, through a door in “death-plaque wall”, you find yourself at the top of a red marble staircase which cascades down in either direction.' Just a nitpick about the above quote - I am not sure about the addressing the reader in second-person. It detracted from the mysterious tone of the book & didn't quite work altogether. I would have rephrased it by having the character walk in, & experience these things. For example, ''I walked in, through a door in “death-plaque wall”, to find myself at the top of a red marble staircase which cascaded down in either direction.' Anyway, it was enjoyable & I am sure you will go far with it. Good luck! -Sarah xxx
love it but if try to fix it around the 2nd to the last
paragraph
You have great descriptive juicy words, but other than that, I
don't like the plot line. Keep working on it. [:
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